Depression: The Ugly Truth About Being Depressed

Although I can't speak for everyone who battles with depression, I do know that no one really knows what to expect when you're living through it. I am definitely aware that I am still foreign to my own demons.

The worst part about suffering from depression is that it can hit suddenly, and extremely hard. I guess that's the point of it- the unknowing and the general elusiveness of it. You can't always pinpoint where it stems from and most people do NOT understand that part.

Now I guess that goes along with the everyday thoughts of a depressed person. It's more of an endless wrap sheet that makes no sense, but happens.

The desire of "being normal" consumes you, and you begin hating yourself when it's another "one of those days." I hate that line sometimes. But that's just how you have to explain the unexplainable sadness that is taking over the day or days- since it's never certain how long this time will last.

It's an up and down rollercoaster every time and you don't get to choose this ride; you just live with it.

It's been six years since I've officially been diagnosed as depressed and everyday is a new experience for me. Everyday I have to work hard just to make it through the day and everyday I feel something different than the one before.

Don't get me wrong, you can have your good days and when you do they are absolutely phenomenal. But depression is sneaky and you never know what side of yourself you're going to get. That's another part that kills you because you don't get to have control over your life- your illness does. You're a hostage in your own body and mind and you have to work so hard just to be alright with it.

Making light of the situation. Cliché but dead on.

Depression is a big influence on your emotions, actions, and thoughts. Your thinking process changes subjectively and your drive for life is always different. When it kicks your butt, it really does and it feels so unbearably painful. Literally. You can feel the aching hole in your chest that seems almost unrepairable even though you know it can be temporarily patched up. Yet you know it'll always be there.

The amount it drains out of you is insane, and you can't help but to hope that you don't lose yourself through the midst of it. Even though you never really knew yourself to begin with.

How do you worry about losing yourself when you can't remember which part you even want to be?

For me, I just want to be happy with the life I've been given and not feel completely subjected to my depression and how it changes me constantly.

Sometimes it's just too much and when you can't comprehend it yourself, it can help when it flows out through written words.

Even though I can feel so low at times, I know that my depression also makes me stronger. I'm beating the weaker side of myself and the days I rise above are the ones worth everything.

You can't change a person who battles with depression, but you can help them by just loving them for who they are. The ugly truth isn't so bad when you see the beauty behind it.

ANON

It's been a while since I had to deal with some high school- leveled bullshit but I guess today was the day to remind me. LOL.

Keyboard warriors really do crack me up the most though, considering that they can be so ballsy through the tiny screen in front of them and be such a chicken shit realistically.

Don't get me wrong, I guess some of the words get to me, not because of what was said but because of the unknown why. Why am I the easy target when I couldn't give a shit less about what they say about me? I've gone through that phase in my life. The phase where I cared way too much about what people said, or thought. But that stopped when I stopped obsessing over how I thought about myself.

I guess that part of you never really goes away though. You'll always kind-of care and always try to keep the shield up from everyone that fucks with you.

Honestly though, I don't understand why people try so hard to stay relevant in life. I mean, I get it life can be shitty and you get bored but why take your own issues out on someone else? Like was I really so important to you that you made the childish decision of trying to harass me? Come on, we're adults here. I mean, unless it's some little ass kid basing his opinions off of bullshit that was said when I was in high school. Other than that, I actually feel flattered.

The main reason for even wasting my breath on this matter is to thank this low life for taking his time to think about me. It's been a while since someone has tried fucking with me, but I guess today was the day I realized I'm still thought about, and still important to you, anon.

xoxo